HM PRISON SERVICE - Selection Process

[oldbuthopeful]

Same Old, Same Old, shouldn't have known better than to ask really!! Wouldn't it be nice just to get a straight answer.

[Miquay]

Dear Miquay

Unfortunately we are no longer providing vetting status updates due to the volumes of work. A member of the field based team will be in contact when a vetting decision has been reached.

Regards
******* **********
Customer Service Advisor - Tier 2

After a lovely ditty I composed and sent to vetting I received this reply this morning. It didn't answer my questions fully but it enabled me to understand what, and from whom, I should expect next.

Oh I do like to be beside myself....oh I do like to be beside me

[Sig007]

Hey Miquay - I am building a collection of those letters in my inbox.

Just wondering what they will answer as all the questions I ask from different parts of the process (external recruitment, allocations etc) all send me details to contact SSC who then tell me that they can not pass details on an indiviual basis

I have now actually given up trying to contact anybody and will sit here untill I recieve a call.
No seriously - i'm gonna sit right here and not move............ever...........and ever.
Even if i need the loo. (maybe not thought this one through too well have I)


Oh well

Keep Smiling

Sig

[bogseatcrusader]

After a lovely ditty I composed and sent to vetting I received this reply this morning. It didn't answer my questions fully but it enabled me to understand what, and from whom, I should expect next

.

Yeah, nothing, from nobody! (or so it would seem)

[Miquay]

Just like my 15th birthday bogseatcrusher (ISE)

Sig007Just email me and I will send someone round to assist you (I have friends in Social Services Home Care). They will give you pressure relief, prepare meals, assist in personal hygiene, brush your hair for you and even do the shopping for you.

I have a large selection of male continence/incontinence products which may come in handy if your Spooftop protest gets a little messy.

You stick to your principles.

PS include at least an air freshener on your shopping list for the staff as you may need it sooner than you realise.

Stay Cool
M

[Sig007]

Just like my 15th birthday bogseatcrusher (ISE)

Sig007Just email me and I will send someone round to assist you (I have friends in Social Services Home Care). They will give you pressure relief, prepare meals, assist in personal hygiene, brush your hair for you and even do the shopping for you.

I have a large selection of male continence/incontinence products which may come in handy if your Spooftop protest gets a little messy.

You stick to your principles.

PS include at least an air freshener on your shopping list for the staff as you may need it sooner than you realise.

Stay Cool
M

Thanks for that - much appreciated, the air freshner requirement is duly noted. (I was thinking of Tenna Lady for those more intimate needs)

So I e-mailed SSC to find out what is the process after I had passed the vetting stage, the reply was as follows :-

Hi Sig007,

Thank you for contacting us.

Once an applicant has passed the vetting process their file is issued to our Field Base Team who make the final decision. We are unable to issue any time scales but wish you every success.

Best Wishes,

xxxxxxxxxx

Now I had just been through one "Final Decision" for vetting but looks like I now have another one to go through.

Thats it - I will be staying here forever my beard will be long and my T-shirt will be stained

In the words of Winston Churchill " we will bite them on the features" or something like that

cheers

Sig

[Miquay]

It must be similar to cup finals
Maybe there are three final rounds, the last 16, qurter, semi and then final.
Maybe we are all part of a fantasy prison league that we know nothing about.


Thinking of starting up my own prison, starting small maybe 3 or 4 peeps and training them up in general life skills. My mum and sister are teachers so maybe they can help. Brother in law is a chef, wife's a nurse, dog's a gun dog, my garden is all fenced in, have four noise motion detectors in the girls rooms, got 5 lever locks on the front and back doors.

You know, I think I just might make it. I would then skip straight to Governor.

Sorted

anybody fancy a job - then I can expand?

[Chan76]

Could be tempted........What's the uniform gonna be like???

Stay Cool

[Miquay]

Thinking of these.
Not sure if they are too formal but then again maybe what some postees have said is right - it should be a disciplined service.

oh yes please.jpg (17.37 KiB) Viewed 3530 times

What do you think?
Stay Cool Stay Cool

[Sig007]

It must be similar to cup finals
Maybe there are three final rounds, the last 16, qurter, semi and then final.
Maybe we are all part of a fantasy prison league that we know nothing about.


Thinking of starting up my own prison, starting small maybe 3 or 4 peeps and training them up in general life skills. My mum and sister are teachers so maybe they can help. Brother in law is a chef, wife's a nurse, dog's a gun dog, my garden is all fenced in, have four noise motion detectors in the girls rooms, got 5 lever locks on the front and back doors.

You know, I think I just might make it. I would then skip straight to Governor.

Sorted

anybody fancy a job - then I can expand?

How long will the application process last??
What will the communication be like during this process??
And more importantly would you really want to skip straight to Governor and miss out on the experience of the Landings - and take all the crap us newly named officers would give you........

STAY COOL

Sig

[Chan76]

Awesome........Will they come with studded Chaps, and will we be issued with fluffy Batons for protection....???

If so, where shall i forwrad my application...

Stay Cool

[Miquay]

Answers:

Chan - yes fluffy and studded - obviously!!!

Sig - application process goes like this:
Do you want the job?
Are you at the final stages?
If the answer is yes to the above two then you're in.
Bring on the crap - my mahogany inlaid desk is wide and I have had Jan Zelezny down and even he can't throw anything that hits me as it is that wide.
So attempt the cr*p throwing I will continue to kick back and suck on my Behike. Bring it on Newbies.


Stay Cool

[SevenfoldGirl]

Woohoo i answer yes to the 2 above questions, that has to be the quickest process ever, are you going to get us to sign on the dotted line and then inform us of the compulsory vetting process?!?!?!?

And what training do you offer, and what security level will your prison be? Questions, questions, questions. All important if you want to be Guv

[Miquay]

No tricks - you sign you start the next day (Iwill stay up all night sewing the pvc together from when I measured you up)
Training will be varied - C&R (charisma and retort) training, Equality & Diversity (we are all equal but because I am the Governor and therefore diverser than you I am more equal than you also), picking up pound coins, safe words to use during 'group discussions'. The list is pretty much endless. If I am lying you will be avenged SevenfoldGirl.

Security Level will be 4 (It's a new level indicator being trialed in the south west of Chile) which basically is A, B, C and D current categories all together in one room or 'cell' as I like to call it.

Any more?

Stay Cool

[SevenfoldGirl]

Any relocation allowance? Will you find us somewhere to live? And more importantly noone has asked yet! i want to know about PAY. The rest sounds pretty good so far, oh and i should ask about pensions too, it's all about the money these days.

Good use of the word Avenged miquay, it has been noted